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Jammin!

Jammin!

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Every year at Christmastime, Mom made a jam cake. It was a recipe from Dad’s side of the family, and was passed down with great care. Mom copied the recipe over several times, but she saved the old versions. Reading through them, which I did to make sure I was getting the ingredients right, was like an archaeological dig; there was the same fragility to the oldest artifact.

Once I figured out that the “modern version” (which included purple crayon scribbles, proof of its age) was indeed a fair and true copy, I still had to make the cake, which began, as it did for Mom, with an all-out search for jam with seeds. In my case, the search took me 20 miles away, to a Walmart Super Store in Sterling. (I found this highly ironic since Mom never visited a Walmart; she thought the stores were destroying small-town America — and in this case, as with so much else, she was right.) 

Once the jam was purchased and the other ingredients assembled, I proceeded to make the cake. Mom had always made a very big deal of it, as if she was making a four-tier wedding cake. How hard can it be, I wondered. 

Pretty darn hard, it turns out. There is the sheer muscle involved in stirring the thick batter. There’s separating the six eggs, beating the whites till frothy (I was convinced I had botched this part) and pre-mixing certain ingredients (such as vinegar and baking soda) before adding them to the batter. 

By the time I got the cake in the oven, it looked like a small tornado had ripped through the kitchen. But after a tense baking period (I can remember holidays where the jam cake fell — and that was not a pretty sight), the cake emerged more or intact. I couldn’t have been prouder. Now all I had to do … was frost the thing.

The Joys of 2020

The Joys of 2020

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I don’t always write about the year’s end on New Year’s Eve. Sometimes I write about a Christmas carol or getting more sleep or any number of other topics. 

But 2020 deserves a sendoff post. A sendoff that includes “good riddance,” of course, given what a difficult and tragic year it has been for so many. But because it’s a year that has been joyous for my family, a post of gratitude and amazement, too. 

So here’s to our Seattle crew settling into new work and study and apartment, exploring the city right outside their door. And here’s to Bernadette with her amazing smile and huggable little body. And here’s to Isaiah, who beams with pleasure and shrieks with joy. 

As much as I would like to kick 2020 out the door, I can’t help but linger for a moment at all the wonder it brought us. That said, though, come on 2021. We need your sanity. We need your hope.  

(Photo: Claire Capehart)

Door-to-Door

Door-to-Door

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The boxes come in and the boxes go out. In this very different holiday season, I never know what I’ll find when I open the door. A large box or a small envelope. A package that arrives seemingly in the middle of the night — another that arrives during a snow and sleet storm. A box of oranges or a carton of long-awaited gifts — ones I’m giving others that still have to be mailed to distant destinations.

News reports tell of an overwhelmed post office. And no wonder! I feel like they might be overwhelmed just with our stuff alone. 

I’m not a comfortable online shopper. I’d rather see and touch the items I buy before making the purchase. But these days we have little choice. Even before the pandemic, brick-and-mortar stores had begun to limit their selections, to offer to order things for you from their store. 

It’s a more distant and less friendly world we inhabit now, to be sure. I’m hoping that the boxes I send release the warmth I feel when packing them. 

Bye-Bye Bassinet

Bye-Bye Bassinet

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The bassinet reminded me of the ones my little brother and sister slept in when they came home from the hospital. Though it’s now called “vintage,” it was merely “used” when we bought it for our first baby. I sewed a new liner in a soft lavender flannel. 

A couple days ago, when the grand-babies were in the house, the bassinet was brought down from the attic, just in case it could be pressed into service. Unfortunately … it already had been pressed into service. Squirrels or mice had made it their home. The stuffed animals that were inside the bassinet (some harkening back to my own childhood or earlier) were eviscerated. 

It was sad. I was sad. … But I was also determined that the bassinet make yesterday’s trash pickup. So I took a few photos, and the bassinet was hoisted out to the curb, actually fitting into the trash dumpster. 

Three sweet little girls took their first sleeps in that well-used nest. And who knows how many others. And now, it’s in the landfill. But the girls, they have grown up into lovely young women. And that, of course, was the point of it all. 

(Photo: Courtesy, Etsy. My bassinet photos didn’t turn out so well.)

First Smile

First Smile

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I remember being thrilled at our baby’s first smiles when I was a young mother, but there’s something about seeing them as a grandmother that makes them even more miraculous.

Here is this tiny creature, seemingly from another world, movements as if underwater. Here are the eyes that look past you at first. Here is all the care their parents provide: the feeding and burping and changing and calming. The nonstop love right from the start.

And then … here is the babe giving back. Yesterday, my new granddaughter smiled not once, not twice, but three times. Looked me right in the eye, turned up her sweet little mouth and smiled.

To me it’s proof of love at work, a visible sign of the love that passes from parent to child and then ripples out from that child into the world she builds for herself, extends all the way to the child she bears … who starts the beautiful cycle all over again.

Birth Stories

Birth Stories

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Ever since becoming a grandmother I’ve meant to find the journals where I described the births of each of my daughters. I was put off by the digging it would take me to find them.

But yesterday I had a few moments, so I looked in the most logical first place — a drawer in a dressing table where I keep some of my old (now well-filled) blank books. And there, right on top, was the journal describing Celia’s arrival — what I’d done that day (Christmas shop) and how it felt (scary!) to look up at the hospital sign from a distance, counting contractions while sitting in a rush-hour traffic jam.

Beneath that journal was the one with the pages for Claire’s arrival. The heat of those summer days came alive again for me, as did the rosebud mouth and cute little nose of my second-born. 

And finally, there was the journal that described Suzanne’s birth. I labored longer with my first, of course, and the nurses were marvelous, especially one whose name had escaped me — until yesterday. 

It’s not as if I’d forgotten the moments when each of these precious babes was put into my arms, and many of the details were there, too. But to relive the excitement in my own voice brought me back to those days in a way no photograph could — and made me glad that even in that early, new mother exhaustion, I chose writing over napping, that I picked up my pen, grabbed my blank books and wrote the birth stories.

Cousin Meeting

Cousin Meeting

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Over the weekend, there was a gathering of the clan. And the cousins — who had attended showers and weddings and family dinners together (though with one or both in utero) — finally met in person.  I wouldn’t exactly say that they interacted, but they were held up close to each other, and it felt momentous to me and to their parents.

There’s something about taking on the grandparent role. It’s a stepping into the wings and off the main stage, a move made with gratitude for the most part but not without a backward glance. 

Not that I won’t be a big part of these little people’s lives. But I won’t be raising them, and up till recently, the parenting role is the one I’ve had. 

As we left the house there was one baby fussing and the other being strapped in his car seat for the ride home. Our car felt empty and quiet — but peaceful, too. 

(Photo from another gathering of cousins, this one long ago.)

Autumn Bond

Autumn Bond

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Autumn is rolling out quite the red (and gold) carpet for our fall “babies” (our new granddaughter’s mother’s birthday is today). 

Decades ago, when I was expecting Suzanne, I hoped she would be born in time enough to enjoy the glories of autumn. We lived in northern Massachusetts then, though, and the trees were almost bare when she arrived. 

As it turns out, though, Suzanne’s birthday is perfectly aligned for autumn color in the mid-Atlantic — and so is her baby’s. 

Now when I marvel at the bright colors, inhale the scent of crushed leaves, I think about how she and her baby will always have this bond. This time of simultaneous change and equilibrium will always be theirs to share. 

Baby Girl!

Baby Girl!

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Our second grandchild arrived in the wee hours of the morning: a little girl this time! Like her cousin, she was born slightly before the due date, an awesome accomplishment that has me wondering … will both these children be punctual beings, or more than punctual, will they always arrive early? An amazing thought!

Childbirth in the age of Covid means we are scattered about the region and the country, sharing the news with middle-of-the-night texts, sending hearts and flowers and congratulations notes, waking and cheering and giving thanks and falling back to sleep (or trying to) with images of infants in our heads. 

Suzanne was a sweet big sister right from the start, as she demonstrates here, in one of the first photos I have of her holding Claire. 

Now she’s holding a baby of her own, long awaited, cherished and treasured by many. I hope mom, dad and baby feel the love we’re sending their way. I bet they do!

The Summer Book

The Summer Book

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I picked up Tove Jansson’s The Summer Book because it showed up in a list of books that feature grandparents. There are precious few of these, I’ve noticed. 

Jansson’s Grandmother (she’s given no other name) is crotchety and wise and foolish and loving. She smokes cigarettes and breaks into a neighbor’s house. No cookie-baking for this grandma. She’s a renegade. But she also understands her granddaughter Sophia, pushes her and puts her in situations where she is bound to succeed. 

Grandmother also levels with herself and with others (when she’s not lying, that is). Here she is after the break-in: 

“My dear child,” said Grandmother impatiently [to Sophia], “every human being has to make his own mistakes.” … Sometimes people never saw things clearly until it was too late and they no longer had the strength to start again. Or else they forgot their idea along the way and didn’t even realize that they had forgotten.”

That’s the kind of gem Jansson strews about for us through the pages of this slim and lovely book, all of it amidst a natural world (an island in the Gulf of Finland) that is as beautiful as it is dangerous.