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Look Out, Doris Lessing

Look Out, Doris Lessing

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Week before last, when I left the still pool of full-time employment for the more turbulent waters of freelance writing, I was given a golden pen and notebook. (Thank you, Drew!) 

The golden pen I pressed into service immediately, finding in its slim contour and smooth passage on the page a near-perfect writing implement. I’ve already used it to scribble in my journal on Day One, and it’s now sitting on my desk in a place of honor, the little crystal pineapple on its top harkening back to a many-faceted ornament a friend gave me when I set off to journalism school many years ago.

But the golden notebook is daunting. Should I reserve it for days when I feel the muse is calling with greater insistence? Should it be only for Very Important Writing or become one in a series of notebooks that are otherwise black and pedestrian?

Could I, like Doris Lessing, use it to tie together the disparate threads of my life? Unlikely. I haven’t even read Lessing’s The Golden Notebook. 

For now, the golden notebook will remain open to possibility, which is, I’m finding, a very nice way to be.

(Yesterday I discovered that the golden pen makes rainbows on the page when held outside at the proper angle.)

Missing the Point

Missing the Point

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In the work-for-hire phase of my life (which ended all of four days ago), I frequently used what I’ve come to think of as the make-nice punctuation mark.

“Good morning!” I would say cheerily to IT before launching into my request for help with a tech crisis. “No problem!” I would exclaim to the last-minute request for editing services that, truth be told, was indeed a problem. And of course, the ubiquitous “Thanks!” when I used the exclamation point to soften my own last-minute requests for help. 

Now I must retrain myself in the proper use of this punctuation mark, which is sparing. I must try harder to communicate the import of the thought in the words themselves rather than using a vertical line with a dot below it to do the work for me. 

“Do not attempt to emphasize simple statements by using a mark of exclamation,” say Strunk and White in The Elements of Style. And who am I to argue with them?

Which is not to say that the exclamation point will disappear entirely from my life. It will continue to clutter up emails and personal correspondence, I’m sure. Will I be missing the point? You bet I will!

(Graphic courtesy Wikipedia)

Almost Bedtime

Almost Bedtime

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It’s almost bedtime here on the second-to-last day of full-time employment. Perhaps I won’t have bedtimes in this new life. I’ll live so freely that I’ll be beyond diurnal schedules. 

But I doubt it. I imagine I’ll wake up pretty much the same time as I always do. And, truth to tell, I’ll be doing much the same sort of things, too — writing, walking, reading. 

It might sound boring to many, but oh my, not to me!

The Annual Reports

The Annual Reports

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My desk accessories and headset are in the car. The monitor is parked in the basement, ready to go. I’ll wipe my computer on Friday and take it into the office, too. Then all that remains will be … the annual reports. They were in the car, stationed for return along with the stapler and the tiered folder rack, but I had to bring them back inside because I needed to research a scholarship that began in 1993.

Now that they’re back in the house (and a heavy load they are, too!), I don’t want to let them go. I’ve built a complete set, you see, from 1985 to the present, which ranges from the time when Tom worked for Winrock to the time that I do. It’s a history of the place in a nutshell, a place I first experienced when I moved from Manhattan to a mountaintop in Arkansas right after we married and which has enriched my own career and life experiences beyond measure. 

So I asked Tom last night: “Do you think it’s a bad sign that I can’t let go of the annual reports?” He just smiled and said to do whatever I think is right. He can’t really quibble about my packrat tendencies since he’s a primo packrat himself, and he knows this is about more than being a packrat. It’s about loving an organization I’m about to leave. 

I do love Winrock. And yet on Friday I’ll type my last words for them and sign off the network for the last time. Because there’s something I love more, which is the freedom to write what I want when I want. It’s an awesome and a terrifying freedom, but I’ve earned the chance to try it, so I will. 

As for the annual reports, they’re sitting in the hallway. I’m still thinking about them.

Sauntering

Sauntering

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Writing a blog called A Walker in the Suburbs means I’ve become familiar with all the lovely synonyms for walking: strolling, ambling, rambling, trekking, treading and wandering. By far one of my favorites is sauntering. But until yesterday I never thought much about its derivation. It was while looking up Thoreau on another quest that I found this, from his essay “Walking”: 

I have met with but one or two persons in the course of my life who understood the art of Walking, that is, of taking walks — who had a genius, so to speak for sauntering, which word is beautifully derived ‘from idle people who roved about the country, in the Middle Ages, and asked charity, under pretense of going a la Sainte Terre,’ to the Holy Land, till the children exclaimed, ‘There goes a Sainte-Terrer,’ a Saunterer, a Holy-Lander.”

Although some would say the word “saunter” comes from “sans terre,” without land or home, Thoreau continues, this is fine, too, because being without a home can also mean being equally at home everywhere — and that in fact is the secret of successful sauntering.  

I’m looking forward to more sauntering and more Thoreau. 

Seeing Mom

Seeing Mom

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I find it interesting that to me the most fascinating character in Ken Burns’ new documentary “Hemingway” is not Papa H himself (though I realize I’ve not read many of his short stories and most of his nonfiction), but Edna O’Brien, an Irish novelist who shines as one of the talking heads Burns uses so beautifully.

O’Brien is calm but intense, and her comments cut to the quick of Hemingway’s novels. In one of her earlier appearances, she takes on detractors who say that Hemingway hated women and wrote adversely about them. 

To answer these criticisms, she reads a passage from Hemingway’s short story “Up in Michigan,” considered scandalous when it was published. The passage occurs near the end of the story, after a sexual encounter that the female character did not want, and O’Brien reads it slowly, the camera panning down to her hands, which gesture slightly as she reads the words with that Irish lilt in her voice. 

I don’t see O’Brien then but my mother, who was roughly O’Brien’s age when she died. I see the same set of the jaw, the same hair, full and of a color not found in nature. The same unbridled truthfulness. 

Mom was a writer, too — though most of her stories were never told. 

(In honor of O’Brien and Mom, a photo of the green fields of County Clare.) 

The Unvoiced

The Unvoiced

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I read an essay over the weekend about the writer Tillie Olsen, whose impact was large though her output was small. It was that last point that comforted and inspired me. And not for the best of reasons. As I contemplate a life soon freed of the day job, I’m already looking for excuses. 

Before, I could always say … gee, I wish I could write more of my own stuff, but I have to work for my living. What will I use for an excuse now? This essay, by A. O. Scott in the New York Times Book Review, provides a blueprint. I’m going to quote liberally from it, because it articulates an exhaustion I’ve long felt but seldom read about. The italics are mine.  

Olsen was a writer her whole life — she died in 2007 — but she didn’t write much. Not because she was blocked or lacked material. The blockage — the obligation of earning a living and tending children, the “immersion” in caring that was a source of fulfillment as well as frustration — was the subject matter. The silence that surrounds those stories is its own kind of statement.

Is there a place in literature — in our canons and course listings, in our criticism and theory — for unwritten work? … Literary ethics prompts us to attend to the unheard and the marginal; curiosity or impatience with the same old stuff sends us in search of the forgotten and the neglected. But what kind of attention do we owe — what kind of attention is it even possible to pay — to the unvoiced?

I’d have to go back to an essay by Ursula Le Guin, “The Hand that Rocks the Cradle Writes the Books,”  to find words that so perfectly describe the unique challenges facing the woman who raises children, makes a home, holds a job and dares call herself a writer. 

It’s a topic I soon hope to explore with renewed relish — or at least, that’s the plan.

Writing and Music

Writing and Music

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Having a piano I can actually play means that I’ve been digging into all sorts of old music. There’s Debussy’s Arabesque with its rolling arpeggios, Handel’s Passacaglia with its variations on a theme, a Chopin polonaise with its jaunty beat and Scott Joplin’s piano rags, just because.

But the most poignant find was the book of Brahms’ Intermezzos. How I loved those pieces when I last played piano seriously, and how playing them again brought back the self that played them then: young, dreamy, all of life ahead of her. 

I wasn’t sure what kind of life I wanted to have then, but I knew I wanted it to include writing and music. And now, all these years later, it does.

Up in a Tree

Up in a Tree

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Oh, how I love to climb up in a tree
Up in the air so blue
I do think it the pleasantest thing
Ever a guy could do
Scaling the trunk and sawing the branch
Till I can see all ’round
Hoping I’m belted and harnessed all right
So they’ll catch me if I fall down!
Till I get back to the Earth again
Back where the chipper chips
The homeowners cheer when I’m in the clear
Don’t they know, I never slip?!
(With apologies to Robert Louis Stevenson.) 

Balls in the Air

Balls in the Air

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After writing yesterday’s post I started thinking about how, if 2010’s Snowmageddon offered a few days off to clean a closet or start a blog, just think what 2020’s (and now 2021’s) lockdowns might produce. What novels and screenplays and landscapes and enchanted gardens will grow, have grown, from this enforced solitude?

A prodigious creative output for some, I’m sure … but not from me!  I can barely keep up with my paying work, the blog and the rest of my life. 

A 10-day snow storm does not equal an almost yearlong pandemic.  It lacks the fear and confusion; it lacks the duration. So while I have more time now to put words on paper, I’m keeping many of those words inside, hoping for time soon to process what we’ve been enduring. 

For now, I’m just trying to keep the balls I was already juggling in the air.  Maybe I’m alone in this — but I bet I’m not! 

(Starting my 12th year of blogging by adding a GIF. Will it work? It seems to on my end!)