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Waylaid

Waylaid

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It was one of those days, one that seemed to start without me. I meant to write when I came back from my walk, but was waylaid …  then waylaid some more. And now that it’s evening I wonder, why bother?

Because writing here is a creative comfort, a way to soothe jangled nerves.

Because writing here is a way to celebrate walking, which also soothes jangled nerves. (Notice a theme?)

Because I try to write every workday no matter what.

Because there is much to be grateful for, even on a wind-whipped November evening.

Morning Post

Morning Post

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Lately, because of a new glitch in the blogging platform, I’ve been writing many of my posts the night before. This is not the way I like to blog. There is something about the morning that suits me.

Maybe it’s because the muse is more active at this time of day. Or maybe it’s because I’m closer to dreamscapes.

For instance, today I awoke near a border. It had to be with Mexico though in sleep I was convinced it was with Spain. It was sunny and hot. There was surveillance.

This was the not the meat of the dream, only a small side course. But it’s what stuck with me — and that it stuck with me at all is because I’m writing this in the wee hours.

The morning post. It’s not the only way to go, but I’m convinced it’s the best.

Sunday on the Deck with Work

Sunday on the Deck with Work

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I’m spending a large portion of the weekend working not on my own stuff but on Winrock’s. This isn’t typical, so I don’t mind it occasionally, and it’s for a good cause.

When I do things like this I’m taken back to my freelance days, when work and life were more of a piece. I interviewed people, wrote stories, raised daughters, cooked and took care of the house. These joys and duties were mish-mashed together in a sometimes glorious, often exhausting round of duties and responsibilities.

An interview, a carpool, a long writing session. Followed by another carpool and an after-dinner writing session. Somehow, the work always got done, the daughters got raised.

And this was accomplished with no cubicles, time sheets or meetings.

So now when I’m called upon to juggle free time and assignments, it doesn’t seem strange. It seems like how things oughta be.

Driving Home

Driving Home

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Yesterday I drove past the house of the woman who watched the girls for a year or two when I was writing a book. Her name was Eva; still is, I imagine. She’s moved back to Hungary and we’ve lost touch.

Eva was reserved and all business when we met, but she proved loving, dependable, creative and quirky. The girls loved her rice pudding and began pronouncing words with a slight Hungarian lilt. “Quintan” (the name of a little boy she also watched) became “Quintone.”

Suzanne was in second grade then so she didn’t got to Eva’s, but most days I would drop Celia off in the morning and Claire mid-day, after picking her up from the kindergarten bus. It wasn’t a perfect system, but it’s what I had.

What I was remembering yesterday, though, was how it felt to be driving the girls home in the afternoon. Suzanne would ride with me to pick up her sisters, and as we chugged home in the ancient blue Volvo wagon, I would have moments of perfect contentment: a good day of writing behind me, the promise of another to come, and most of all, the girls and I together again. Dinner was yet to be cooked, homework yet to be checked, bedtime stories yet to be read. But even then, I knew — told myself — hang on to this moment, it’s as good as it gets.

Smile Lines

Smile Lines

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It’s the last day of a soggy July, and I’m reminding myself that if we have to have extreme weather, better excess moisture than excess heat. People in northern California wouldn’t mind some rain about now, as they struggle with temps of 110 and a fire so intense that it’s creating its own winds and tornadoes.

Compared with that, I can easily find something nice to say about the frequent showers and thundershowers, the coziness they impart on a rainy Saturday afternoon. How they nurture the young trees we planted this spring. How little watering there is to do.

Of course, if I really could choose, I’d prefer ample rains that fall at night and leave the days sunny and clear. But since I can’t, I’m remembering lines from a Robert Frost poem about reconciling the choices we can’t make. They always make me smile.

Some say the world will end in fire,
Some say in ice.
From what I’ve tasted of desire
I hold with those who favor fire.
But if I had to perish twice,
I think I know enough of hate
To say that for destruction ice
Is also great
And would suffice.

A Day, a Diary

A Day, a Diary

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I found an old journal in the back room of my parents’ old house, my grandfather Cassidy’s diary from 1940. This is my father’s father, who I never knew; he died before I was born. He was a Nazarene preacher, and much of this diary records his prayer habits and the texts he preached from.

On this day, 78 years ago, the tent was in or near Clinton, Illinois, and his sermon came from 2 Samuel 25-28:

“I pray you, forgive the trespass of your handmaid: for the Lord will certainly make my lord an enduring house; because my lord fights the battles of the Lord, and evil has not been found in you all your days.”

Many days began with reading and praying. There were walks, helping friends cut wood, marveling at the beauty of the day.

My grandfather followed his calling even though his family, my father then a young man, were far away. I’m not sure what they lived on, how they made it. But somehow, they did.

The world is a different place now, but the pages in this diary are as crisp and clear as the day he wrote them. At the bottom of each page, a quotation. This one is from Emerson: “Give me insight into today, and you may have the antique and future worlds.”

Roses and Parakeets

Roses and Parakeets

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Today I have only four hours of Winrock work ahead of me then an afternoon and three whole days off. I’m wondering what it would be like to have unlimited time and space. Frightening at first, I imagine, but maybe not. It would be stepping off the carousel into some sort of other time-space continuum with only my own to-do list to guide me.

Here’s the thing, though. I have a hefty internal to-do list. It’s a vague one, needing time and energy to flesh out, and the thought of being face-to-face with it is mildly terrifying.

But still, there are mornings like this, full of blooming roses and chirping parakeets, when I’d like nothing better than to chuck it all and just … be …. free …

Why She Writes

Why She Writes

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Last night I watched the documentary “The Center Does Not Hold,” about the writer Joan Didion. It chronicled Didion’s chronicles of crazy episodes in our nation’s history: Haight-Ashbury, Charles Manson’s murder of Sharon Tate and others, the kidnapping of Patty Hearst. But mostly the film is about Joan Didion’s thinking on these things.

A Wikipedia article about Didion mentions a 1980 essay by Barbara Grizutti Harrison, who wrote that Didion is a “neurasthenic Cher” whose subject is always herself. Apparently, that article rankled Didion for decades. Of course, the essayist’s subject is always herself.
Almost none of us writing essays will achieve Didion’s fame, but we can all do what she did, which she explained in her essay “Why I Write”: “I write entirely to find out what I’m thinking, what I’m looking at, what I see and what it means.”
(In Didion’s honor, a western landscape.)
Two Years

Two Years

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I started at Winrock two years ago today. It may have seemed an odd choice given my previous jobs in print journalism. But it’s the words that matter, I decided, not the medium in which they’re read. As for the autonomy of my reporting, I’ve decided that very few of us can say we’re not beholden to someone or something, whether it be editors, advertisers or management.

Any job change requires soul searching, asking what really matters. And what matters for me is the work itself, the pace and the breadth of it, what it stands for. This organization has its heart in the right place. I believe in its goals and mission.

More than that, this work is perfect for the easily bored. At Winrock I have a huge canvas on which to paint. I’ve interviewed old and young, farmers and bank executives, solar technicians and victims of human trafficking. I write stories and talking points, ad copy and op-eds.

I usually write without byline and most of my output ends up online. But in the end, it’s the stories that matter — that, and the writing of them.

Fernweh and Heimweh

Fernweh and Heimweh

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Homesickness is when you long for the place you know best of all. But what about its opposite? Wanting to venture to a place you’ve never been? It’s a feeling deeper than wanderlust, stronger than attachment. Until the other day, I didn’t know it has a name.

Farsickness —or “fernweh” from the German “fern” (far) and “weh” (pain) is when you yearn for a place you’ve never been, for the faraway. I heard about it on the radio, and a quick Google search shows me the word has been out there for a while. There are “Fernweh” t-shirts and “Farsickness” travel blogs.

Digging a little deeper I learn that the word “homesick” also entered our language from the German — “heimweh.” It comes from a Swiss dialect and can also mean longing for the mountains. Ah, I think, just like Heidi. Remember when she’s sent to Frankfurt and entertains Clara but all she wants is to go back and live with her grandfather on the mountain?

To have “fernweh” we need “heimweh.” The familiar propels us to the faraway — then brings us home again.